First Five Hundred

Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

You Might Be A Redneck 53

You might be a redneck if...

• You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
• You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
• You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.
• Your house has a kickstand.
• You drive around a parking lot for fun.
• Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
• You have to duct tape your gloves on.
• You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
• Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
• You think that Marlboro is a cologne.

Does She Have PMS?

How you tell if a woman has PMS?
She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
She retains more water than Lake Superior.
She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one.
She buys you a new T-shirt-----with a bulls-eye on the front.
You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?
She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.