Peanuts

A boy visits his Grandma who is aging gracefully in her own home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down with his phone while munching on peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.  Eventually, his Grandma wakes up, and her Grandson realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, Mema Chocolate, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"  "That's okay, dearie," the Grandma replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

Old Men

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

The Witch

Two old guys, 80 years old, went to a whore house and told the woman at the door that they wanted the two most beautiful whores. The woman said, "They're old, what are they gonna know?" So she sticks them in the two darkest rooms with blow-up dolls. After they were done, they were walking out of the whore house and old guy #1 says to old guy #2, "How was your whore?" #2 said, "She was horrible. She just laid there like she was dead. Well, how was your whore?" Old guy #1 goes, "She was a witch." #2 responds, "What do you mean a witch?" #1 says, "I bit her tit and she flew out the window!"