Who's Your Daddy

Dan and Joe, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Joe didn't show up. Dan didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Joe hadn't shown up for a week or so, Dan really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Dan didn't know where Joe lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Dan figured he had seen the last of Joe, but one day, Dan approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Joe! Dan was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Joe, what in the world happened to you?" Joe replied, "I've been in jail." "Jail!, cried Dan.  What in the world for?"
"Well", Joe said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?" "Yeah, said Dan, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty."
"The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Senior Positions

Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great. Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night." Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight." While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move. Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."

Peanuts

A boy visits his Grandma who is aging gracefully in her own home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down with his phone while munching on peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.  Eventually, his Grandma wakes up, and her Grandson realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, Mema Chocolate, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"  "That's okay, dearie," the Grandma replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."