As the Business Lines Go

• As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
• As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
• Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
• Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.
• At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
• Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
• Bad news drives good news out of the media.
• Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor.
• Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma. - Chris Jarocha-Ernst
• Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty. 

10 Signs You Might Not Get a Christmas Bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future."
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial.
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips.
7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet."
6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants.
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies.
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw.
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times.
1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

The System Crash Song

SYSTEM CRASH (to the tune of "The Monster Mash")

• I was working in the lab, late one night
• When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
• Some smoke from our VAX began to rise
• And suddenly, to my surprise... [chorus]
• (There was a crash) There was a system crash (A mighty crash)
• I heard the disk heads smash
• (A system crash) It came down in a flash
• (There was a crash) A fatal system crash
• The lab manager then appeared from his room,
• Said: "I don't want to be a prophet of doom,
• But we had one like this just the other day
• Which blew up 4 megs and the SBA" ... [chorus]
• The system had just been booted, diagnostics had all run through,
• When a power fluck made it all run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew too
• So we'd lost all our VAXes in less than one night
• When a VP came in and said: "Hey, that's all right,
• I'll loan you a Venus - here's what to do
• When you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you... [chorus]