Try Joining the Mafia

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia. He goes up to one of the guys and says, "I want to join the Mafia." The guy answers, "You ever kill any one for money?" Artie answers, "No." The guy says, "Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money." So Artie says, "How much will you pay me?" The guy says, "I'm not gonna pay you." Artie says, "C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in." The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar." Artie says, "Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death. The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death. In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!" 

Frog Bucks

Q: Where do frogs keep their money?
A: In a river bank!

Questions for God

One night when a boy prayed to God, the boy asked god:
How Long is 1 million years to you?
God replies: 1 second.
The Boy asked God: How much is 1 million dollars to you?
God replies: 1 penny.
Then the boy asked God if he could have a penny.
God replies...sure, "gimme 1 second".