Buzz

Once I stole a vibrator. I did it for the buzz.

Six times Six

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems. She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says, "Mister, I'm broke and my landlord said if I don't give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I'm out of a place to live. I'll bet you my last five dollars that I can come up with a rhyme that you can't come up with a reply to." The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead. So she tells him, "six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine." The man scratches his head and says, "your right, I can't top that," and he pays her the five dollars. Then she goes to the next man and the next until she has beat every man in the bar. So she goes to the next bar and starts betting 100 at a time. She does this at every bar on the block until she has 3,000 dollars. Deciding thats enough she heads for home. On her way she meets a bum in an alley and decides to have a little fun. So she tells the bum that she will bet her 3,000 dollars against his bottle of booze that she can tell him a ryhme to which he cant come up with a reply. The bum figures what the heck and says "your on." "Six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine." The bum sits back, thinks for a minute and says "six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine, I can piss in yours but you can't piss in mine!!"

The Burglar and the Parrot

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!