Broke Drinker

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

The Dirty Old Man...

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed."Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

IRS Dilemma

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.'"
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."