The Burglar and the Parrot

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"!

Old Habits Die Hard

Young Amanpreet never quite got over his miserable childhood as an orphan in the ghetto. When he turned 18, he joined the Marines, but old habits die hard. One night, the sergeant found him rummaging around in the garbage and eating out of the discarded cans and jars. "On your feet, Lizard Pecker," he bellowed. "You'll eat in the mess hall -- you're no better than the rest of us!"

Answering Machine - Money

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.