A Tale of Two Monkeys

An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxidermist.
"So you want them mounted?" asked the taxidermist.
She replied: "No. Holding hands will do just fine."

City Boy Visits Farm

A young boy from the city was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says "it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly." The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have a bull!"

Texan Buys Spread

A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel. "Yeah, ma'am" he says to the barmaid, "Ah'm looking to buy me a ranch - stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?"
"Yeah?" says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. "If we had a horse like that we'd turn it into glue."