Changed HR policies

Casual Fridays:
Week 1 - Memo No. 1 Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2 Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3 Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4 A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5 As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6 The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7 Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20 - Memo No. 8 Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

The Job Security Quiz

The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.

 
1.The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
a) Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
b) Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
c) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
 
2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
a) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
b) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
c) Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."
 
3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
a) Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
b) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
c) Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
 
4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
a) Listen politely, and then apologize.
b) Blame someone else.
c) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."
 
5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
a) Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
b) Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
c) Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
 
6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
a) Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
b) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
c) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
 
7. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
a) Clean the office while he supervises.
b) Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
c) Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
 
Scoring this test:

Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

Office Christmas Party

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 10, 2015
RE: Holiday Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols, feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty ==================================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 11, 2015
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty ============================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 11, 2015
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table: You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFT EXCHANGING WILL BE ALLOWED.
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 11, 2015
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing will be allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty ====================
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 11, 2015
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 12, 2015
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays