Strict School

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kids this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"

Fire Truck

A man notices a small boy wearing a fireman’s hat, sitting in a cart being pulled by his pet dog. When he gets closer he notices that the cart is tied to the dog’s testicles . “That’s a nice fire engine,” says the man. “But wouldn’t the dog pull faster if you tied the rope to his collar?” “Yes,” says the boy. “But then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

Andy Rooney Quotes

• Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
• I am in shape. Round's a shape!
• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.
• The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
• Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the Jimmy Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.