Share this joke via Email (Step 2)
Share this Joke on Twitter
Registered Users Only
Registered Users Only
Get link for other Social Networks
- Home
- Popular Jokes
- New Releases
- Joke of the Day
- Browse By Category
- Browse Writers
- Contests
- Submit Joke
- Contact Us
- Info
All rights reserved.
- Home
- >
- Categories
- >
- Holiday Jokes
- >
- All
Holiday Jokes
Santa Bee
Q: What does the bee Santa Claus say?
A: Hum hum hum!
- 0
- 1
- 3
Jesus Has Risen
Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flower decoration of the altar. The catholic florist charges $300. "Too expensive" moans the priest. The protestant florist charged $250, "No, it would not be right to buy at another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small." However, Solly Goldberg charges $75! Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains the contract. On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderful roses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last reservations are discarded. When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificent flower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription: "Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."
- 2
- 1
- 3
Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
December 1- Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2 - Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3 - Using candlewick and hand-glued miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 4 - Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5 - Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.
December 6 - Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7 - Debug Windows '98
December 10 - Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11 - Lay Faberge egg.
December 12 - Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13 - Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14 - Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15 - Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17 - Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.
December 19 - Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20 - Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21 - Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22 - Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23 - Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24 - Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25 - Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.
December 26 - Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27 - Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 28 - Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.
December 29 - Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers.
December 30 - Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station.
December 31 - New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.
January 1 - Stay out of jail.
- 0
- 1
- 3
