The good, bad, and ugly!

• Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
• Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
• Ugly: You're in them

• Good: Your husband understands fashion
• Bad: He's a cross-dresser
• Ugly: He looks better than you

• Good: Your son's finally maturing
• Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
• Ugly: So are you

• Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
• Bad: She keeps interrupting
• Ugly: With corrections

• Good: Your wife's not talking to you
• Bad: She wants a divorce
• Ugly: She's a lawyer

• Good: The postman's early
• Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
• Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

• Good: Your daughter got a new job
• Bad: As a hooker
• Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
• Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

• Good: You're son is dating someone new
• Bad: It's another man
• Ugly: He's you're best friend

• Good: You're wife is pregnant
• Bad: It's triplets
• Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Cat Facts for Cat Lovers

• An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
• Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
• At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
• Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
• Cat rule #1: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
• Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.
• Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
• Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
• Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.
• Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.
• Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
• Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.  Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
• Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
• Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
• I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
• I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.  
• In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
• On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.
• One cat just leads to another.
• People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
• Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
• There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
• When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.
• You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.

Deep Thoughts - French Poodles

Q: Do French poodles understand French?