On Divorce

• Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached. 
• Tis better to have loved and lost, than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.
• What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.
• My ex-wife is like a good laxative.  She irritates the shit out of you.
• Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
• Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams
• Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.
• When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.
• Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days?
• Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce
• When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.
• Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled, "Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits... I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!
• Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says, "My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house...."
• What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.
• I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.
• How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
• What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.
• There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

Memory Tricks

Asked my girlfriend about the biggest erection she'd ever seen.
She had to think long and hard.

Pay your taxes with a smile.

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."