Happy Birthdead

Q: What do you buy a dead baby for its birthday?
A: A dead puppy!

You Might Be A Bad Customer If:

• You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.
• You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.
• You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.
• You return the coffee because it's too hot.
• You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).
• You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.
• You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.
• If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20.
• You think the "pre-pay" sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
• You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.
• You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.
• While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"
• You dare ask for a discount at a restauraunt because your kids didn't like their food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.
• You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
• You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)

Real Classified Ads 02

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at: BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED