Homing Device

Wife #1: Hey, Lynn, tell me this. How did you get your husband from staying out late?
Wife #2: Well, every time he would come home I would simply say, 'Mike, is that you?'
Wife #1: I still don't understand. How did that keep him from staying out?
Wife #2: My husband's name is Andrew.

Satan And Lawyer

Q: What do you call Satan and a lawyer?
A: Twins!

Laws of Parenting

• A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
• A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
• A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
• A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• Celibacy is not hereditary.
• Familiarity breeds children.
• For adult education, nothing beats children.
• God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
• Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
• Having children will turn you into your parents.
• If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
• If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
• Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
• Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
• It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
• It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - (actually from Erma Bombeck)
• One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
• Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
• The best thing to spend on your children is time.
• The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
• There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
• You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.