News Headlines

• Curators at India's Baroda Museum reported irreparable damage to a priceless 3,000-year-old mummy, done by an overzealous cleaning person who apparently opened the mummy's case and vacuumed the body. The vacuum removed ancient dust, peeled toe paint, sucked off part of the nose, and loosened bandages. 
• An anti-logging protester from radical Earth First! was killed near Fortuna, CA, when one of the trees fell on him. 
• In an unconfirmed report, a spokesperson for the Italian Gattinoni fashion house announced Monica Lewinsky has agreed to model a blue two-piece suit there during an October 'Roma Outsize' fashion show in Milan. She'll supposedly get $470,000, half of which will go to charity... Gattinoni recently unveiled a flesh-colored skin-tight 'condom dress' decorated with Viagra pills.
• Saturday in Beaumont, Texas a 20-minute halftime brawl erupted between the Southern University and Prairie View A&M marching bands as the formations passed each other. Three people were taken to the hospital, four $5,000 tubas were bent, and one saxophone plus several pieces of uniform were reported missing.
• Avon is finally eschewing its all-door-to-door selling strategy and starting retail discount outlets.
• October's National Geographic will be the magazine's first with a scent strip. It's a scientific recreation of Cleopatra's perfume.

Observation

Pavlov's dog has gotten into Schrodinger's box, and I'm pretty sure that I can now give a conclusive verdict on the cat's condition.

Mommy Horse

Q: Why was the mommy horse upset with her son the mule?
A: Because he came out half-assed.