Wilson's Nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape." A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!" Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything." Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast." A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"

Signs and Notices 21

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

• At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police."
• In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance."
• Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
• A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."
• While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a sign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly above him read "Now hiring."
• At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, bonuses and promotions."
• Seen on a billboard along a highway: "Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."

Speakers for a Sociopath

Craigslist Ad:
Are you single? Family and friend free? Scorned by your neighbors? Now you can be! Alienate them completely by playing your shitty mixtape at full volume all the fucking time.
Sick of the neighbor kid who plays the same shitty top-40 R&B mix tape every morning at 6 when she (or he, I'm not sexist) wakes up for school? Fulfill your fantasies of becoming a modern day Marquis de Sade and blast Canadian Superstar Raffi's hit single, Bananaphone, straight through their skulls at 3AM until they beg for mercy.
For the budding sociopath in you, I present the most unreasonable speakers ever to live in a New York City walk up apartment: the Acoustic Research P428 PS'sesses's.
With a classy black ash vinyl veneer, chipped in some corners, these speakers will lend an air of dumpster-chic to your hovel. Featuring a 4-way design, these babies have a soft dome tweeter that I have completely resisted pushing in. The mid-range and woofer cones are in remarkably good shape. I assume that they sold their soul to the devil. At the bottom, each MDF monolith features an integrated, rear-firing subwoofer with built in amp. When you turn them on, a red led by the tweeter turns green, telling you to go. Just go. You don't want to be near these things unless you hate your eardrums.

Have I mentioned that they are loud? They are. Do not set anything fragile anywhere near them. Fuck these speakers.

Why am I getting rid of them, you ask?

They're cramping my style, man. These things take up the valuable space I need to lounge naked on my floor, drinking sherry, and ignoring my love child like a modern day Oscar Wilde as I listen to bands you haven't heard of yet at an appropriately sensitive volume.

Cash sale only. No exceptions. If you're the kind of person who wants these speakers, you're probably not the kind of person I would like to interact with for long. Because I'm a douche. And so are you.

If you're not a haggling, sentient bag of dicks, I have an older Yamaha amp that I will give or sell you for cheap. I don't need it no more, ya hear?

Edit: Holy shit, $50 cheaper because I only have people telling me they like the ad, not that they want to buy some god-damn speakers.