Try Joining the Mafia

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia. He goes up to one of the guys and says, "I want to join the Mafia." The guy answers, "You ever kill any one for money?" Artie answers, "No." The guy says, "Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money." So Artie says, "How much will you pay me?" The guy says, "I'm not gonna pay you." Artie says, "C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in." The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar." Artie says, "Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death. The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death. In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!" 

Twins

Headline in today's newspaper:  "Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake"!

Blonde - Biscuits

Actual Associated Press article:
Linda Burnett, 23, in San Diego, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And yes, Linda is a blonde.