Preservatives

Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

The Bachelor's Diet

Bachelor's Diet
MONDAY:
BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the maalox
DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
TUESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw
LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
WEDNESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's
LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke
DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps
THURSDAY:
BREAKFAST - Order out for pizza
LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.
DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
FRIDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder
DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
SATURDAY:
BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.
LUNCH - Ditto
DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
SUNDAY:
BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

Leaning Tower of Pisa

Q: What makes the leaning Tower of Pisa lean?
A: It doesn't eat much!