Doctor Doctor - Three Crabs

Patient: Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday.
Doctor: Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?
Patient: What do you mean "took them out of their shells"?

Now Eat Your Own Plate

Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate. Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers. Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each. Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said. Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused. 

Diet for Stress-- with Rules

Diet for Stress It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit, 1 slice whole wheat toast, and 8 oz. skim milk.
Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed spinach, 1 cup herb tea and 1 Oreo cookie.
Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package, 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream and 1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread, 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke, 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza and 3 Snickers bars.
Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer).
Rules for this Diet:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS