Steven Wright 09

• What's another word for Thesaurus?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
• My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912. Well, to make a long story short...
• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
• I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
• I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
• I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
• My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."
• My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

By My Side

Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side: "Zelda, you've always been by my side" "When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side. When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side. When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side. When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side. Now, when I'm dying; you are at my side. Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!"

Great Housekeeper

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper
When we got divorced she kept the house