Paddy's Hand

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
''What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little sh!t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.''
"That he did," says Paddy, "A shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.''
” Well," says Sean, "You should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
''That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but absolutely useless in a fight."

Don't Step on a Duck!

It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by St. Patrick himself and he said to the boys, "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity."
Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire landscape was encompassed by ducks and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homeliest colleens he'd ever laid eyes on. She said, "Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time." 
Of course the exact same thing happened to Michael, only his companion was even the worse for the wear.  By this time, Tim was absolutely terrified.  He gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, "I don't understand it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck."

Donald MacDonald From The Isle's

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky). "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked. "Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night." "Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" "Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."