Top 50 Jokes

Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival.

1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?
3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.
5. And God said, "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."
6. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse."
7. The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you're got millions of pals out there. Type in, "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."
8. Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.
9. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
10. There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
11. I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec.
12. I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.
13. To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the end.
14. (On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey broadcasts glow:) Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have trouble distinguishing black from white.
15. My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said, "Well, whose fault is that?"
16. (On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles:) Who the hell's got pickle questions?
17. (On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline:) You got brine problems that can't wait until morning?
18. I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.
19. My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
20. What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply re-distribute the dirt.
21. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets a blow job - no matter how bad it is.
22. I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their houses have wheels.
23. They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example.
24. My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
25. The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you meet him.
26. Montreal's not a city. It's Disney World for alcoholics.
27. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. So I said: "Thyroid problem?"
28. I carry Montreal with me wherever I go. I have a chunk of poutine in my arteries.
29. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
30. Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
31. The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
32. Like my father, I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.
33. Things you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"
34. (On why the side-effects of drugs are always negative:) It's never "positive sexual side-effects." It's never "gigantism," is it?
35. What's with the warning "May contain some nudity"? Well, I have to know for sure.
36. And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at the restaurant is fresh. What are they going to tell you? "No, it's four days old and stinks to high heaven."
37. When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian medicare system, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.
38. Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
39. In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.
40. Why do people suck their stomachs in when they weigh themselves? So they can see the scale.
41. I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
42. My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.
43. I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario - after Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem.
44. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great Whale or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
45. (On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim:) I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear.
46. (On trying to be a good husband by accompanying his wife to parties:) Just before we go in she turns to me and says: "Don't drink too much, don't eat too fast, and..." Oh, man. So why bring me? (Then on departing:) She turned to me and said: "How could you embarrass me like that in front of all my friends?" So I pointed out to her that it was _me_ who vomited.
47. Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay-dungeon master.
48. My mother never saw the irony of call me a son-of-a-bitch.
49. Does Tampax really need it's own Web site? "My cramps are killing me. I'd better head over to the maxi-pad chat room."
50. SPECIAL BONUS JOKE!!! Men and women clean differently. For example, women dust. Men don't dust. Men need the dust there so they know where to put things back.

Two Cow Defined (Classic)

DEFINING SOCIETIES VIA THE OWNERSHIP OF 2 COWS
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like . . . these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Irish Heaven

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was "NO!"
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A little boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD."