Murphy the Drunk

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

Officer Fenwick

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?" "Yes, I am," said the officer. "Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

Putin Barrel

A man joins the Russian Navy and is immediately deployed to a ship in the Black Sea. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the Russian sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a old Vodka barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. "Damn! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." "Why not Thursday?" "That's your day in the barrel."