Twist Off

I wish I was stronger so I could get the top off this bottle of steroids.

Addiction Quips

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips?

• The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.
• The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.
• You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"
• You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
• The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.
• You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!
• Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."
• You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
• You scan restroom stalls for hot HTML addresses.
• You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
• You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...
• You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.
• Your dog has its own home page.
• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
• You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
• Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon."
• You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.
• Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
• Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

True Redneck Girl

Q: How do you know when you have a true redneck girl?
A: When she can chew tabacco and give you a blow job at the same time, and knows which one to spit and which one to swallow.