Watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!" He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Jesus' Disciples Bring Drugs

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple: "Who is it?" "It's Mark," Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia." "Very well son, come in." Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew," Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia." "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John," Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York." "Very well son, come in." Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas," Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

Oh Marie

One day at church, John asked Marie out to dinner. She accepted and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner at a very nice restaurant. When they sat down, John said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a joint.  "Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like to get high?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed a motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a hard U-turn and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John woke up first. He tenderly shook Marie and said, "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, what are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them......... You don't have to drink or do drugs to have a good time.