Magic Cure for Impotence

A man has been married to his wife for over 20 years and during the past 5 years he has been unable to obtain an erection. He feels just horrible because he is unable to have sex with his wife. He fears his wife may leave him for another man. Out of desperation the man has gone to every doctor and expert in the area. Despite numerous tests and suggested remedies, no reason for his impotence can be found and no cure has worked. The man decides to share his problem with his best friend. His best friend gets all excited and says, "I know who can help you! There is mystic and he was able to help someone else I know with the same problem! You must go see him!" So the man takes his friend's advice and goes to visit this curious mystic. The man explains his problem, the mystic looks him over and says, "Ah, yes, indeed I can offer a temporary cure." The man is just elated, he tells the mystic, "Whatever it is, please do it! I want to be able to have sex with my wife, please!" So the mystic nods his head, does a strange dance around the man while murmuring odd sounds, claps his hands and says, "All done. Now, sir, you will be able to bring on an erection immediately upon counting to three: one, two, three. Do not count to three until you want your erection. Your erection will continue to last until the count of four is heard: one, two, three, four. After that, you will not be able to obtain an erection again no matter what." The man is just so excited, he leaves the mystic and heads home. All he can think about is that tonight he will be having sex again and giving his wife the love session of her life. He cannot wait to surprise her with his eager hard-on that will last and last and last. That evening, the man is lying in bed waiting for his beautiful wife to walk out of the bathroom and crawl into bed beside him. "How much longer will you be?" he inquires in a loud voice from the bed. "Almost done sweetie," his wife responds from the bathroom. The man gazes down at his penis and counts out loud: "One, two, three". Sure enough, his penis stiffens into a grand hard-on. The wife then hollers from the bathroom: "Honey, what did you say 'one, two, three,' for?"

Fart Decisions

Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts. Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.
Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.
Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:

1. Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.
2. Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.

Meetings: Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.
Aisle Walker: Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.
Broom Closet: One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.
And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.

Young Boy's Eye Surgery

Once upon a time, a doctor performed surgery on a young boy with an eye defect.  After the surgery was done, he said to the parents, "Your son is going to be just fine. We graphed some skin from his scrotum to widen his lid. He should have 20/20 vision when he wakes up."  The parents responded, "So his eye is going to be normal?" "Well, like I said, his vision will be normal but he may be a little c*ck-eyed."