Princess Diana

Q: Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
A: She wasn’t wearing her seat belt.

The Dead Dog

There's a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, who's 24. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial. That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dog's ghost, demanding for his tail back. The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said "Don't give it back! Don't give it back!'' "Why?" asked the man. "You're not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!"

She Knows

“My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”