Fourth Marriage

An eighty year old woman was getting married for the fourth time. A newspaper was interviewing her about her previous marriages. She said she got married the first time when she was twenty to a banker. Then, in her forties she married a three ring circus leader. Then she married a preacher. And now she's marring a funeral home director.  The lady replied, when I look back at my previous marriages, I see one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

A Dead Ringer

The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer. A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it. "But you've got no arms... you can't do this job!" says the church leader. The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!" So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day. He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead. He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him. "Who is that guy?" one person says. "I don't know says another, but his face sure rings a bell..."

Sleep Deprived

Q: How do you know when your snoring is a problem?
A: You're driving home from work and people riding with you start complaining.