We Could Have Been Here Sooner

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your ocean-side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

Like Mother Like Daughter

A man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctor. He says "Doctor, I want to put her on the pill." The Doctor says "Why?!? Is she sexually active?" The guy says "Nah, she just lies there like her mother."

The Moment of Truth!

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other man's heart. The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say: Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go? And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying: Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon? Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says: "I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you? Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?" "That's my wife's third husband, comes the reply, between sobs. I'm number four....."