Shark Week - No Swimming

Little boy to mother: “Mommy, can I go swimming?”
Mother: “Certainly not. The sea’s too rough, there’s a terrible rip tide and a dangerous offshore current, and I’ve heard this coast is infested with jellyfish and sharks.”
Little boy: “But Daddy went swimming!”
Mother: “I know, but he has excellent life insurance.”

Sharpton Wash

Returning from his emergency meeting with the Oscar nominations, Al Sharpton stopped at his local Sears store to purchase a new washing machine.  As he looked at the display models he realized that nearly all of them were white.  He began to complain and the clerk called the store manager. "What's the problem here, Reverend?" Sharpton pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white.
The manager replied, "Well Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."

Bill Clinton, Barack Obama and Al Gore

Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.
Now they're in heaven, and God is sitting on the great golden throne.
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the internal combustion engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain, but not inhaling." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Obama. "Barack Obama, what do you believe in?" Obama said, "I believe you're in my chair."