'Twas The Night...

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
There were empties and butts
Left around by some louse.
And the best quart I'd hid
By the chimney with care
Had been swiped by some creep
Who'd discovered it there!
Our hung-over guests
Had been poured into bed
(They'll wake in the morn
With a God-awful head)
My tongue, cotton-coated
Hung down to my belt
And only the seasick
Could know how I felt!
My wife - she had long ago
Gone up to bed
While visions of Redskins
Danced in her head
And I in the parlor
Sat all alone
I'd unplugged the cat
And put out the phone
Just then, through a window
Came noise and smells
Like an overturned beer truck
And tinkle of bells!
I sprang from my chair
To see what was the matter
To see what was causing
The smell and the clatter
When what to my wondering
Eyes did appear
But eight drunken reindeer
And sled full of beer!
With a little old driver
Nose red as a brick
I knew it was Santa
As tight as a tick!
Weaving upward and downward
His reindeer they came
While he hiccoughed and burped
And called them by name:
"On Gallo! On Ripple!
We ain't got all night!
You, too, Manischevitz!
And you, Miller lite!
Ho Bud! Easy, Boh!
Give Busch there a hand!
Now now, Lowenbrau
-You can go when we land!
Head up for that roof
--Watch out for the wall!
Get going, you guys
We've got a long haul!"
So up to my roof
Went his reindeer and sled
But my TV antenna
Hit him right in the head!
And then in a twinkling
I heard Santa swear
So hot that it melted
The snow everywhere!
I could tell in a moment
This guy had no class
For he fell down my chimney
Right smack on his sack!
He was dresed all in fur
From his head to his toes
Red were his eyeballs
His coat and his nose
He had a round face
And toy-filled sack
His breath would have blown
A freight off the track!
He was chubby and plump
And he tried to stand right
But he couldn't fool me
-He was high as a kite!
He spoke not a word
But went straight to his work
And missed half the stockings
The plastered old jerk!
Then putting five fingers
To the end of his nose
He gave me the word
As up the chimney he rose
Crossing my rooftop
He went at a run
Not seeing what one
Of his reindeer had done
He skidded, and then
Fell flat on his face!
His remarks after this
Were a total disgrace!
Then he got in his sled
And I heard Santa moan:
"Why did I stop there?
Bux's kids are all grown!"

Ribbons

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly. The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says: "Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

Merchant Captain

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a big night ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting on me!" The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why. "Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he`d also shit in your pants."