Grandfather Clock

A guy is coming out of an antique clock shop with a new grandfather clock as a drunk comes stumbling down the street. The guy bumps into the drunk, falls down, and busts the clock all to pieces. The guy gets up and says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" The drunk says,"Why don't you wear a wristwatch like everyone else?"

The Golden Urinal

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman. "No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!" She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?" To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence,  I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"

Bar Ghost Encounter

Two drunk guys stumble out of a bar and get into their car. After they've been driving for a while, they see a ghostly face appear at the window. "It's a ghost, dude!" "Roll down the window, ask him what he wants!" The driver rolls down the window, and asks the ghost. "You got a smoke?" They give him a smoke, and the face goes away. A few minutes later, the face returns. "You got a light?" They give a light, and the face goes away. A few minutes later, the face returns. "You guys need help getting out the mud?"