What Have You Done

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, "I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

Drunk Husband

Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you." Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet. "Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By damn, you're right, dear."

Bar Translations

1. "You get this round and the next round is on me." - I'll be leaving before the next round.
2.  "I'll get this round and the next one is on you." - Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $3.50.
3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" - I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) -I'm easy.
5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) -I'm gay.
6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) - I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) - If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) - You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
9. I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) - I'm horny.
10. "Who's got the next round?" - I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.