New Alcohol Labeling Laws

Alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked..
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WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.
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Half Drunk

Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk? Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money!

Bar Clothes Cleaning Funds

A guy in a bar pukes on his shirt. His friend says, “No worries, just stick a $10 bill in your pocket, and tell your wife some guy puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning bill!”  So he goes home and explains this to his wife who then asks, “So why are there two $10 bills in your pocket?” He replies, “Oh, because the guy pissed in my pants as well!”