Half Drunk

Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk? Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money!

Bar Clothes Cleaning Funds

A guy in a bar pukes on his shirt. His friend says, “No worries, just stick a $10 bill in your pocket, and tell your wife some guy puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning bill!”  So he goes home and explains this to his wife who then asks, “So why are there two $10 bills in your pocket?” He replies, “Oh, because the guy pissed in my pants as well!”

Pulled Over, Too Drunk

A cop pulls over a car that's been swerving across the lanes of a road. "Get out of the car, please." "But I'm not drunk, officer!" "Listen, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or not. If you don't get out of this car, I'll arrest you anyway." "Fine," says the man and gets out of the car. "Okay, now walk this white line." The man looks at the line. "Which one of them do I walk on?"