Jodi's Purse

A drunk guy calls a radio station on Christmas day and asks for the DJ. He tells him that he found a purse outside the mall. It has $1500 in cash, a couple of credit cards, an iPhone 13 pro, and a driver's license with Jodi's name on it."
The DJ replied, "Wow, sort of a Christmas miracle. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Jodi."

Hostile Happy Hour

Q: What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar?
A: He got bombed.

The Drunk and His Mongoose

A drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I drink, I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"You idiot," the friend said. "Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box. "So is the mongoose."