Brown Bag Surprise

One night a man walked into a bar with a brown paper bag. The woman sitting on the stool next to him asked him what it he had in there. He replies, "Sorry ma'am, I can't tell you. It's impolite." The woman kept asking, the man kept refusing until, finally, he told her, "Okay, if you must know, it's a pussy-eating frog." The woman insisted she didn't believe it and told him to come up to her hotel room and prove it. So the man followed her up to her room, she got into bed, he put the frog under the blanket and told it to eat. Nothing happened. The man kept telling the frog to eat. The woman began to get annoyed that nothing was happening. "Alright," said the man at length, "he's nervous. I'll have to show him how to do it all over again..."

One Question too Many

A man goes into a bar and admires the stuffed lion’s head mounted on the wall. “What a great trophy,” says the man to the bartender. “I wouldn’t call it great,” replies the bartender. “That damn lion killed my wife.” “Good heavens,” says the man, “were you on safari?” “No,” replies the bartender. “The screws came loose and it fell on her head.”

Murphy's Bar

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.  They're having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy two drinks and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"