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Bar Jokes
Bartender Robbed and Harrassed
A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"
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Break In
"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house." "Did he get anything." his mates asked. "Yeah! A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of busted nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
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Big Joe
There was an old hermit couple living on a mountain until one day the mans wife died. Everything was fine for about three months but he got lonely so he went down the mountain to the town and went into the bar. He sat down and ordered a beer and asked the bartender, "Hey do 'ya have any women?" The bartender said, "No but we have big Joe." The man said, "I ain't like that" and stormed off back to the mountain. Three more months go by and the man decides to try asking again. He comes into the bar and says, "Hey do you have any women yet?" The bartender said, "No, just big Joe," so the man said, "I ain't like that" and again stormed out. After a year or so the old man decided to try once more so he goes down the mountain, into the bar and asks if they have any women. The bartender gave the usual reply, "Just big Joe." The old hermit said, "No I ain't like that," but stayed and had a few drinks. He asked the bartender, "If I were to do this thing with big Joe who all would know?" The bartender said, "Well me and you and big Joe of course and those two large men over there." The old hermit was taken back and said, "Why those two?" The bartender replied, "Well, somebody has to hold down big Joe, he ain't like that either."
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