Success!

A new report shows there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.
So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.
Happy New Year!

Scotland Lard

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.
They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"
"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.
"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

Office Christmas

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work, but the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit!