Deputy Visit

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there.  One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”

Tattoo On Her Butt

There once was a service man who toured the Middle East and married a beautiful little China doll. He brought her back to the States and they were very happy. He always enjoyed looking at her rear end and telling her what a beautiful butt she had. Every day it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have." Every night it was, "Darling I love you and what a beautiful butt you have."
Well his birthday was getting close and she wanted to surprise him with a tattoo on her rear end that said, "Beautiful Butt." So she finds a reputable tattoo artist and explains what she wants. Well the artist asks her to turn around and after a brief pause says, "There is no way I can get "Beautiful Butt" on your tiny little beautiful butt." But I can put a nice "B" on each cheek which will stand for "Beautiful Butt." A bit disappointed, she agrees and leaves with her B's.
Well the big day arrives and after a candle light dinner, gifts, and a sip of brandy, she appears in the bedroom in her birthday suit, turns around and bends over.Quickly sitting up he exclaims, "Darling I love you, but who the hell is Bob?"

Slapped Her Face

Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.