Man's Best Friend

A bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?" The Guy: "Yeah, I'm really depressed. "Bartender: "Why, what's the matter?" The Guy: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend. "Bartender: "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do? "The Guy: "I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over" Bartender: "That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend? "The Guy: "I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"

Every Time

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck you everytime!"

Elephant In Bed

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.