The Contest! (Very Long, Very Adult)

Contest: Beer vs. Pussy

• A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
• A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
• Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married.
• Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
• If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
• 24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
• Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
• If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
• If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy - you're dead.
• 6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
• Too much beer and you get fat. Too much pussy and it makes you poor.
• It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
• If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five!
• With beer, bigger is better.
• If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
• Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
• If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
• If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
• The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
• The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
• Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
• Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
• The government taxes beer.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.

Survey Says

The U.S. Government decided to gather data to better understand what people say right before they get into an auto accident. 89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!'' In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''

The Wedding Is Off...No On

All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry. "The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!" Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked. "Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!", exclaimed the father. The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers. A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!" As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked "What happened to make you change your mind?" Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."