The Contest! (Very Long, Very Adult)

Contest: Beer vs. Pussy

• A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement.
• A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot.
• Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married.
• Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not.
• If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
• 24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in.
• Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
• If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
• If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy - you're dead.
• 6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
• Too much beer and you get fat. Too much pussy and it makes you poor.
• It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game. You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
• If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer. If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five!
• With beer, bigger is better.
• If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal. If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
• Peeling labels off of beers is fun. Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
• If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break. If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
• If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
• The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
• The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
• Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
• Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle. Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
• The government taxes beer.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie. Advantage: Pussy.

Survey Says

The U.S. Government decided to gather data to better understand what people say right before they get into an auto accident. 89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!'' In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''

Chili Cook-off

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI 
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick. 
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild. 
Judge # 3 (Me) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI 
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno tang. 
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. 
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI 
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili.  Great kick. 
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. 
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC 
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing. 
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. 
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER 
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.  Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive. 
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement. 
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm actually burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.  Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY 
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.  Superb. 
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI 
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. 
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing.  It's too painful.  Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI 
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.