Picasso Saves Sight for Sore Eyes

Picasso's mistress was losing her eyesight so he took her to an opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the doctor reported that nothing could be done and she would soon become blind. Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in all of France, but got the same prognosis. He even took her to the best doctor in all of Europe, to no avail. He then decided to take her for a trip around the world so that she could see the sights before totally losing eyesight. They were in San Francisco when they saw a sign reading "Sam Smith- Eye Doctor, Free Consultation." Picasso figured that it couldn't do any harm to try this doctor as she was going to be blind anyway. After a thorough examination, Dr. Smith reported that when he did an operation in cases like hers that it would cure her. Picasso agreed to have the operation performed. After the operation and a few weeks of recovery, the doctor removed the bandages, and what do you know, she could see 20/20. Picasso was overjoyed and said, "Doctor, tell me your fee. I am a very rich man and will pay whatever you ask." Mr. Picasso," the doctor replied "I only ask my usual fee of $100." "Well then," continued Picasso, "To reward you handsomely, I will paint a mural on your waiting room wall. When I am finished, we will invite the art critics to see it." The doctor agreed to this offer because the room needed a paint job anyway. So Picasso labors behind a curtain for three weeks and when he is finished, invitations are sent to the press for a showing. On the chosen date the critics crowd into the waiting room and when all are ready, Picasso pulls down the curtain and there on the wall is a great big eye. Thats all, just a giant size eye. "Great", the critics all exclaim. "This is one of Picasso's greatest masterpieces." Picasso nudges the doctor and says, "Well, Sam, what did I tell you?" The doctor replies, "Its a good thing I'm not a gynecologist!"

Actual Court Testimonial

30 things people actually said in court:
1. Q: What is your date of birth?  A: July 15th  
Q: What year?  A: Every year.
2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?  A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.
3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory  A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?  A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?
4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?  A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you? A: 45 years.
5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?  A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you? A:  My name is Susan.
6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?  A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo? A: We do.
Q: You do? A: Yes, Voodoo.
10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were you red and blue lights flashing?  A: Yes
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes sir
Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?
11. Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?
12. Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?
13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
15. Q: Did he kill you?
16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at the time?
20. Q: She had three children right? A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys? A: none.
Q: Were there any girls?
21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you? A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
24. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
25. Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?
26. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to? A: Oral
28. Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
30. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No.
Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Blonde - Brain For Sale

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplants asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain here belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. And here we have a blonde's brain as well. It costs $50,000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."