Helping Cure Depression

Patient:  Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor:  You should cut down on drinks.
Patient:  I don't touch a drop.
Doctor:  You should cut down on smoking.
Patient:  I don't smoke.
Doctor:  You should stop taking drugs.
Patient:  I don't do drugs, either.
Doctor:  You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient:  But, I haven't touched a woman in my life!
Doctor:  In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!

Mistaken Identity

Went to a fancy dress party and everyone was dressed as either a nurse, a doctor or Freddy Krueger. When I made a comment on how unimaginative they all were, I was called "insensitive" and told to leave the hospital burns unit.

Locked Out

Locked my keys in the car outside an abortion clinic. They weren't impressed when I went in and asked if they had a coat hanger.