Answered Prayers

The Pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place...."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The Pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."
The entire congregation held its breath.......
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.

Estate Sale

Joe Smith is on his death bed, knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. So, he says to them: 
"Bernie, I want you to take the Avenue Road houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Rosedale."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center Mall."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Don Valley Ravine." 
The nurse is just blown away by all this , and as Joe slips away, she says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property." 
Sarah replies, "Property? .... the asshole had a paper route!" 

Ears lookin at you!

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show. The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" The guy says, "Well damn! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells, "Get out!" The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?" The guy says, "That's easy, you got no ears!" So the boss says, "Get out!" As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it." So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?" The guy says, "Your wearing contacts!" And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?" So the guy replies, "Well darn, you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears."