Crowd Pleaser

An out-of-work actor applies for a job in a zoo and is given a gorilla suit. “Our gorilla died ,” says the zoo manager. “You have to fill in for him until we find a replacement.” The actor agrees, and has a great time pretending he’s a gorilla. He does all sorts of tricks and the crowd loves him. However, as time goes on the crowds tire of his antics and start paying attention to the new lion exhibit in the next cage. To win back his audience, the actor starts teasing the lion, pulling its tail through the bars, and throwing banana peel at it. One day the actor decides to do something really daring and steals the keys to the lion’s cage. He waits till the lion is asleep then creeps in its cage with a bucket of water. The zoo visitors can’t wait to see the gorilla soak the lion and a huge crowd gathers. Unfortunately the lion wakes up before the actor can get near him and starts chasing him around the cage. Fearing for his life the actor starts screaming for help. The lion jumps on him, puts a paw on his mouth, and whispers, “Shut up, you moron, you want to get us fired?”

Obessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

• Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
• You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
• Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
• You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
• You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
• Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
• Your income tax refund check bounces.
• The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
• You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
• You put both contacts into the same eye.
• Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
• Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
• You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
• Nothing you own is actually paid for.
• Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
• The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
• You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
• The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
• People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
• When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
• You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
• You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night... and there aren't any.
• It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.