Holiday Nuts

Think I may be getting a vasectomy for Christmas. Just overheard my girlfriend tell her mom she was taking me to see the nutcracker.

Asking for Help

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was approached by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a policeman?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

Santa's Wife

Q: What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
A: A dependent Claus.