Suing Hell

A man was part of a national wildlife preserve before he died. He loved to clean up areas for all kinds of animals, and thought he had done a lot of good in the world. So when he died, he expected to go to heaven. He was very surprised when the angel, who told people whether they were going to heaven or hell, said, "I'm sorry, but you were sent to hell." "Are you quite sure you haven't made mistake?" the young man asked. "We never make mistakes and never have." The angel replied. So the young man thought, well, okay, and went with the devil to hell. When the young man got there, he thought, "What a mess! I am NOT going to be living in such a pigsty," so he started to clean the place up. A few weeks later, the angel came down to hell to tell the young man that they indeed had made a mistake and he was supposed to go to heaven. "Woah, you can't just take him! He's mine now and this place looks great!" said the devil. "Oh, well then we'll just sue you!" The angel said back. "And how the heck do you plan to do that?" taunted the devil. "We've got all the lawyers."

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians

15. Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
14. No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
13. Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
12. Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
11. Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
10. Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
9. Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
8. Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
7. Toe tag paper cuts.
6. The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
5. Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
4. Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
3. At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
2. Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"
1. Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

Mortician Workout

Q: What's the morticians favorite exercise?
A: The deadlift.