Little Johnny - Don't Ask

Little Johnny asked his mom about her age. "Johnny, gentlemen don't ask ladies that question" Johnny asks his mom about her weight. "Johnny, gentlemen also don't ask ladies about their weight" So Little Johnny asks, "Why did daddy leave you then?"
"Johnny lets not talk about that." She then sent Johnny to his room. On his way to his room he trips on his mom's purse and there he finds her drivers license.
He runs back to his mom and proudly says, "Mom! I know all about you now! You are 42 years old, weigh 172 pounds and the reason why daddy left you is because you got an 'F' in sex!"

One Too Many

This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, "hey there buddy," it hollers, "you're looking mighty fine tonight!" The guy can't believe what he is seeing. 'This sure is some strong beer!' He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak, "hey asshole, go screw yourself!" it yells. The guy can't believe it and decides to ask the bartender what's going on. "Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men's room, your cigarette machine just swore at me.'' "Let me explain," replies the bartender "the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order."

Cats and Ducks

Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
A: She's got that down in the mouth look!